Be Happily Married

It was our wedding day, the very day I had dreamed about since I was a little girl.  I wore a beautiful wedding gown chosen just for this dream come true and I carried a parasol covered in daisies, my favorite flower.  My heart was filled with joy and anticipation as I walked down the aisle to become Mrs. to my knight in shining armor.  That day was thirty-eight years ago and I still have my wedding gown, my parasol, and my knight in shining armor. 

People don’t talk much about marriage these days and for many the subject is accompanied by pain; the pain and disappointment of divorce, broken families, loneliness, parental abandonment, and other issues that we find uncomfortable.  Sometimes it is the pain of our parents marriage, and often it’s the pain we have experienced in our own relationships.  For these reasons many have decided that there is not enough value in marriage to pursue one, and too often couples have placed the importance of the marriage relationship on the back burner. 

The good news is that it is possible to have a strong and happy marriage.  In fact, studies show that 95% of those who marry feel they married the right person and would marry that person again. 72% percent of those who have ever married are still married to their first spouse.  And, couples that attend church together have a 27% higher chance of staying together for life according to Barna research.

But, it’s not just about being married, we want to “be happily married”.  The difference is the lifelong joy and friendship that can be experienced as you learn HOW to be married.  Happily married.  

Thirty-eight years ago I married my best friend.  I was eighteen and he was twenty-one.  We are still best friends.  And in case you are wondering, yes, there have been times in our journey that we have not been the best of friends.  Like the time we had a terrible argument in our second year of marriage and the entire freshly baked and frosted chocolate cake ended up scattered all over our olive green carpeted kitchen floor.  We have both learned a few lessons along the way about how to “be happily married.”  In order for this to take place there are many other things that we must “be,” Listed are a few things my husband and I have learned along the way.

Be committed.  Commitment is easiest on your wedding day.  The minister asks that ever-important question, “Do you… take…as long as you both shall live?  And, you both eagerly answer, “Yes”.  And then life happens.  Your needs and expectations are not met the way that you envisioned and being committed gets a little tougher.  

Stay committed to your marriage vows - threats of divorce to win an argument or pressuring your spouse into your way of thinking is never healthy.  Let your intention for marriage be a life long vow.  Be committed to Jesus.  His love for us is our great example.  The National Marriage Project found that couples who place God at the center our their marriage have the greatest level of marital happiness.

Be kind.  Nobody wants to live with a grump.  Ask yourself, “Would I want to be married to me?” Am I loving and kind?  Are my words kind?  Am I a safe person to be around or do I react in anger too often?  Can my spouse talk to me without worrying about my judgmental reactions?  If you answered “no” to any of those questions, what steps can you take towards kindness.  

Be understanding and mindful of each other’s needs.  In our busy and selfish world, it is sometimes difficult to remain mindful of your spouse’s needs.  During those frustrating moments when you are tired from the long day its easy to overreact, examine your intentions, take time to listen to your spouse’s concerns, acknowledge their feelings, and respond with love and respect.  

Be giving and forgiving  Marriage is not always 50/50 and you will wear yourself out just trying to keep it all even. Sometimes 50/50 happens; but in reality as you journey through life together, circumstances and needs change and the percentage will vary nearly every day. At times it might even be 100/0.   Be willing to give a little more when more is required. Ecclesiastes 4:10 “If either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.”   Take time to ask your spouse what they need and be willing to share your needs with your spouse.  Nothing is worse that carrying a burden alone in marriage.

When it comes to forgiveness, be generous.  Forgive your spouse for their angry response, or forgetting to stop by the store on the way home from work, or failing to meet your realistic or unrealistic expectations. Offer forgiveness, just as God offers forgiveness to us, be willing to offer forgiveness to others. 

Don’t hold back on a much needed apology. None of us are perfect or without blame.  Holding onto anger can take away the much needed forgiveness that will bring peace back into your home.  The Bible addresses this in Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)  “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,”  In other words, as my pastor’s wife told me many years ago, “Don’t go to bed angry at your spouse.”  I have learned the hard way that when anger continues into the next day life becomes miserable for you’, your spouse, and everyone around you.  

Be able to set healthy boundaries and respect each other’s personal rights.  Protect your marriage and yourself by setting healthy boundaries.  Healthy boundaries are not in place to fix, control or assert power over your spouse.  Healthy boundaries allow you and your spouse to disagree respectfully.  Boundaries are the lines drawn around what is yours and what is theirs.  It is personal ownership of each one’s emotions, behaviors, and actions.  It is understanding that indeed, you have a right to say, “no”.  But so do they.  You have a right to change your mind, but so do they.  You have a right to your emotions, but so do they.  You have the right to live in a safe environment, and so do they.  This is where the importance of giving and forgiving is most seen.

Be teammates Recognize that you are on the same team.  You share goals and you work hard together.  Cheer each other on. Hold each other up.  You are in this race together.  

Be willing to have fun and laugh.  The one thing that has made a difference in my marriage is laughter.  In fact, it was one of my husband’s characteristics that drew me to him.  He could always make me laugh. I still remember the day I “fell in love” with my husband.  We were at the Dairy Queen with our chocolate shakes.  He told me if I wasn’t careful drinking my shake, which was very thick, my head would cave in.  I had never heard anything so funny in all my life.  I knew that this man was everything I needed.  Not only was he funny and witty but, loved Jesus with all his heart and it was his desire to do all he could to share Jesus with others.   Thinking about that still makes me chuckle.  Take time to play, be silly, laugh, dance in the kitchen, and yes, drink milk shakes.  

Be willing to get help Recognize that there may be times when your marriage needs some reinforcement.   Even the best marriages struggle at times.  It’s ok to ask for help.  Taking the appropriate steps to move toward a stronger and healthier marriage are always in order.  Marriage counseling can provide open and honest conversation about the issues you may be facing in your marriage.  It can give a couple the tools they need to improve communication.  It can help your marriage attain emotional balance, lessen stress, increase your confidence and commitment, help you both understand who you are, and it can provide guidelines for building healthy boundaries.  Any investment you are willing to take in your relationship can provide lifetime rewards for you, your spouse and your entire family.

Be Happily married - Enjoy God’s beautiful gift of marriage that you have been given.  Strive to be the spouse that is well spoken of. A lifelong enjoyable marriage starts with holding to that promise of commitment to that one special person in your life. Loving, respecting, giving, and forgiving each other—even when chocolate cake is all over the kitchen floor.  

Kim Turner - Published in the Rutherford LifeLine Magazine September 2021 Issue